How To Stop An Argument Before It Starts - Healthy Conflict, Peaceful Life: a 5-day devotional

“Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body.” (Ephesians 4:25, NIV)

During the first year of our marriage, my husband and I had a nightly ritual:

1. Come home late.
2. Put on pajamas.
3. Turn on TV.
4. Eat vanilla ice cream together.

One evening, as we snuggled on our sofa, JP got up and headed for the kitchen. From where I sat, I could hear the cabinet door open, and then the freezer door. I knew exactly what my husband was doing.

When JP walked into our family room with one bowl of vanilla ice cream, I was surprised.

“Where’s my bowl of ice cream?” I wondered aloud.

“What do you mean?” JP was genuinely confused.

“We always eat ice cream together. Didn’t you know I’d want ice cream, too?”

“How could I know you wanted ice cream unless you told me?” JP said innocently. He was sure his logic was airtight.

News flash: Conflict is rarely logical.

I shot off the couch, stomped into the kitchen, and jerked open the freezer door. Maybe it was exhaustion or low blood sugar; I have no idea why a ridiculous episode over ice cream made my blood boil.

But it did.

At this point, JP decided to take out the trash.

On his way back into the house, he stopped in front of the open kitchen window and pressed his face up to the screen with a giant smile.

Then JP uttered a single phrase that changed our relationship forever.

“Expectation without communication leads to frustration.”

(Fun fact: If you’ve heard this phrase before, now you know where it originated!)

Ephesians 4:25 says, “each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor.” Most of us never consider a failure to truthfully communicate our needs, wants, and expectations as a failure to speak the truth. But it is. As a result, we create conflict in scenarios where truthful communication could help us avoid conflict. Perhaps this is why Scripture includes the words, “each of you” and “must.”

Of course, “put off falsehood and speak truthfully” also means lies or speculations are off the table. More subtly though, are the words we don’t speak, like unspoken expectations, details we conveniently omit, secrets, or desires we hope our loved ones will “just know.” Any word not rooted in truth is not from God and will damage a relationship. For the believer, truthful communication is not optional, it’s optimal.

Admittedly, “speaking the truth” may feel uncomfortable if we’re unpracticed in expressing our expectations and desires. We’d rather drop hints like breadcrumbs and hope our family and friends figure out what we need. However, when we communicate our expectations on the front end, we eliminate exasperation on the back end. We trade relational problems with relational peace.

Expectation without communication will lead to frustration, if not immediately, eventually.

The following night JP and I sat snuggled on the couch. But this time, as he made his way to the kitchen I called out, “I’d like some ice cream. Would you mind getting me a bowl, too?”

Conflict averted and evening enjoyed!

Lord, make me aware of the unspoken expectations I place on others. Help me to forsake falsehood and communicate truthfully and graciously as your Word instructs me to do. Give me calm where there is chaos as I obey You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Engage:

Are you accidentally making your conflicts worse instead of better? Take the free quiz to find out https://donnajones.org/conflict-quiz/. Connect with Donna for more helpful resources at www.donnajones.org, “That’s Just What I Needed” podcast and Instagram @donnaajones.

For Deeper Reflection:

1. Ephesians 4:26-27: “‘In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”
2. Think back to your last conflict. How did an unspoken expectation play a part?
3. What expectation or desire will you graciously communicate today and to whom?