How To Handle Other People’s Negative Emotions - Healthy Conflict, Peaceful Life: a 5-day devotional

“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” (James 1:19-20, NIV)

Several years ago, our normally upbeat daughter found herself dealing with a circumstance that left her frustrated and disappointed. Hoping to find encouragement from a friend, she shared her experience. Her feelings were dismissed.

“I wish you’d been here earlier, mom. Talking to you always makes me feel better. You listen.”

But hear me on this: I wasn’t always a good listener. Listening is something I had to learn. Frankly, I didn’t understand how to handle other’s difficult, negative emotions. I’d want to:

• Fix them (“You need to...”)
• Redirect them (“Look on the bright side.”)
• Minimize them (“It’s not that bad. You don’t really feel that way.”)
• Shame them (Gasp! “Jesus wouldn’t want us to have that attitude!”)
• Stop them (“Oh, for heaven’s sake, get over it!”)
• Ignore them (“I’m busy. I need to ______ right now.”)
• Dismiss them (“Don’t make this such a big deal.”)
• Excuse them (“He’s always been that way.”)
• Advise them (“You really should...” “When I was your age…”)

And while most of these strategies have their place, leading with any of these eventually results in more conflict rather than less.

When a person expresses negative emotion, but doesn’t feel like they’re being understood, (read: listened to) they respond in one of two ways:

1. They escalate the conversation.
2. They end the conversation.

People escalate because they’re screaming to be understood. The more we fail to understand, the more they escalate. Subconsciously they think, If I yell louder, cry harder, look madder, or use the silent treatment longer, surely the other person will see why I’m frustrated, angry, or hurt and will seek to understand me.

If we continue to fail to listen and understand, eventually they’ll say something like, “You just don’t get it!” “You don’t care!” Or, worse, they’ll walk out or clam up, which is code for “This conversation is over, and nothing will get me to open up about the situation now.”

Escalate or end. Doesn’t sound very hopeful, does it?

So, how do we handle difficult, negative emotions when, honestly, we’d really like them to disappear, thank you very much?

Rather than focusing on the external issue first, address the internal issue first—what’s going on in the heart. We do this by listening with empathy.

James 1:19 instructs, “Take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”

When a person experiences intense emotions it’s like a balloon at full capacity. One small prick and the balloon will explode with a BANG! Empathetic listening (What happened? What were your expectations? I’m so sorry. That’s disappointing. That can’t feel good.) is like untying a balloon so the air can seep out slowly. Emotions settle. Conversation becomes possible. People feel cared for rather than controlled. This is the soft soil where real connection can grow and conflict can be resolved.

Listening also helps us discover the underlying issues behind conflict—ones we might have overlooked. When we understand real issues rather than our perceived issues, we increase the chance of positive conflict resolution. And, if we need to correct attitudes or behavior, listening lowers defenses so the correction can be received rather than rejected or ignored.

Negative emotions are never easy to navigate. But they can become easier to manage when we heed God’s Word: be slow to speak, quick to hear, and slow to become angry.

Lord, I confess that too often I talk when I should listen. I get upset at others because I haven’t listened. Others get upset with me because I haven’t listened. All this lack of listening causes more conflict and drama, not less. Remind me to obey your Word and be slow to speak and quick to listen. Amen.