How Conflict Can Turn Out Good - Healthy Conflict, Peaceful Life: a 5-day devotional

“As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” (Ephesians 4:1-3, NIV)

I started the conversation with my daughter knowing it was going to be a sensitive subject for us both. Before I broached the topic, I thought about what to say; I’d even considered how to say it. But two minutes into our discussion feelings got hurt, words were said, and tempers flared. It’s easy to be humble, gentle and patient…until it’s not. Utterly frustrated, I hung my head in defeat. How did things go so wrong when I really wanted them to go right?

You can probably recall a time when something like this has happened to you, too. If so, read the next sentence carefully: The outcome of the conflict you are facing right now depends on the next choice you make.

All conflicts start with the same two factors: A trigger and a response. It’s at this point conflicts either go from bad to good or from bad to worse. This is where God’s Word gives us real tracks to run on.

Here’s the reality: when most of us face conflict, our first inclination is to think, I want this conflict to be over. This mindset leads us to all sorts of unhealthy and unholy ways of relating: passive-aggressiveness, acquiescence, avoidance, accusations, power plays, manipulation, outbursts, slammed doors, silent treatments, ghosting.

But what if we altered our paradigm about conflict? What if instead of, I want this conflict to be over, we thought, I want this conflict to make us better? (Or, if that seems impossible, I want this conflict to make me better?)

This mindset shift opens the door to new possibilities of handling conflict in healthier, holier ways.

When we view conflict as God’s testing ground to make us more like Him, we choose our words carefully, we treat others respectfully, and we communicate our thoughts, feelings and opinions honestly. But, when our end goal is for the conflict to be over rather than for conflict to make us better, we power up (I want to win!) or we cower down (I want to withdraw!) and we skip over an important part of our spiritual formation: corporately, our unity and personally, our character.

Admittedly, it’s not always possible to plan for a conflict—real life happens in real time. But, if you need to have a hard conversation, or even if you’re in the middle of a conflict, push pause and ask three simple questions:

1. What’s my end goal in this relationship? Put another way, if the issue could get resolved so it was the best possible outcome for all parties, what would that look like?
2. What is my normal reaction to conflict? In other words, how do I usually react to triggers?
3. What will I do instead of resorting to my go-to unhealthy way of reacting?

Lord, you called me to walk worthy of You. I want to walk worthy even when I’m faced with conflict. Open my heart to see unhealthy ways I’ve handled conflict in the past merely so the conflict can be over. Help me shift my perspective to see how conflict, when handled Your way, can make my relationships better and make me more like You. Amen.