Intro – A Guiding Framework For Parenting - Discipline That Connects

“Do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4, NIV)

Have you ever found yourself wishing the Bible had more specific advice about parenting? As young parents, we often felt exasperated with our children. The methods we used to discipline one child didn’t seem to help the others. Or on one day our discipline seemed effective but the next day it didn’t. We sought help from the “experts” but nothing seemed to gain us the sort of relationships we wanted with our kids. So we hungrily searched God’s Word to see if there was wisdom we had missed.

We saw for the first time that the apostle Paul actually considered himself a spiritual parent to the churches he started. It turns out, Paul’s teaching was a gold mine in relation to parenting. Interestingly enough, he frequently reminded his “children” about their identity before he offered his teaching and correction. Here was a principle we could dig into, so we did.

The most prominent example of this is found in his letter to the Ephesians. In Ephesians 1 and 2, Paul issues perhaps the boldest reminder of Christian identity ever rendered. In those two chapters alone he names more than twenty distinct descriptions of those who are “in Christ.” “You are blessed, chosen, holy, blameless, loved, made alive, saved, and God’s handiwork,” just for starters. The list culminates in the grand prayer in Ephesians 3:14-21. Here, Paul prays to the Father, where we all get our name, for all to know the strength of his Spirit for faith to grasp the fullness of his love, and our resulting identity as beloved children.

Three chapters in, and there are no instructions about how to behave, only a series of powerful invitations to remember what’s true.

Think of a recent time you felt discouraged in your parenting. Consider the list of different words you might use to describe yourself at such a time. Then, read through Ephesians 1 and 2, replacing the second person pronouns with first person pronouns (for example, us = me, we = I) and reflect on how it feels to apply these truths to yourself.

Imagine what might happen if, when you were discouraged, you could audibly hear Paul’s voice gently repeating such descriptions.

Then, what if, when your child needed some kind of correction, you could speak from an overflow of receiving the messages, summon a similar voice, and render a similar set of identity messages to your child?

To guide parents to engage gracefully with their children’s challenges, we offer a simple framework of four messages that seem to summarize Paul’s more exhaustive list. Before learning to communicate these messages with their children, we invite parents to consider the messages for themselves. What follows are the messages, and a series of verses you can read to lean into each message a bit. First for yourself, and then with prayerful consideration for how to mentor your children in the messages.

“You are SAFE with me!” Psalm 4:8: “In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety.”

Reflect: How might you invite your children to lean with you into the safety of God through life’s challenges?

“You are LOVED – no matter what!” 1 John 3:1: “See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!”

Reflect: Imagine you have misbehaved or sinned in some way. Read the verse above three or more times and absorb God’s love for you, even in failure. How does this feel? How might you be sure that your kids get a real-life experience of such love?

“You are CALLED and CAPABLE!” Psalm 139:14: “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”

Reflect: Every child of God is wonderfully made; each of us is caught up in God’s redemptive purposes for all people, for all time. What would you say about how you see this truth at work in yourself? In your kids?

“You are RESPONSIBLE for your actions!” Galatians 6:1: “If someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently.”

Reflect: Think of times you have been corrected. Was there more gentleness or harshness? What was the impact on you? How might you bring gentleness to correction, with the goal of “making it right?”

What if, every time we miss the mark of God’s standards, we heard His voice loudly and clearly proclaim these messages? And what if, when our kids misbehave, we could increasingly help them come to believe these very same messages?

As you continue reading through this devotional, we offer thought-provoking, real-life examples of what it practically looks like to parent within the framework of these four messages. Find hope and encouragement to strengthen your connection with your child and deepen your influence as a parent.

Resources:

Get the Connected Families’ free e-book: What Kids Need: 4 Messages that Build Identity for more ideas and practical examples to help you.