Foundation – “You are SAFE with me.” - Discipline That Connects

“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.” (Psalm 139:23, NIV)

Trevor was accustomed to quick respect and success in the workplace. But it did not go so smoothly in his home. His kids hadn’t gotten the memo about how important he was. In parent coaching we talked about underlying beliefs like, “I’m the dad and should always be obeyed,” or “I shouldn’t have to deal with this!” These beliefs drive our responses and communicate to kids, “You’re a problem!” or, “I’m against you!” Those messages feel emotionally unsafe and aggravate kids’ challenging behavior.

Trevor confronted his underlying beliefs with a sheepish smile and said, “This is about me, isn’t it?” That realization was actually the starting point for a beautiful transformation in his relationship with his kids as he grew thoughtful about what “baggage” he was bringing into their interactions. Trevor decided to make efforts to communicate this message to his children: “You are safe with me.”

The question “What’s going on in me?” can feel uncomfortable, or even a distraction from the “real culprit” – your misbehaving child. But it actually is a gift from God to get you unstuck in your parenting challenges.

Psalm 139:23-24 says, “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

How could David have been so eager to have God reveal the yuck in his soul? Because a) he felt so secure after having rejoiced in God’s intimate love for him (v. 1-18) and b) he was hungry for a better way! (v. 24)

But when a child is yelling hurtful words or whacking his sister, is it really necessary to stop and consider, “What’s going on in me?” Probably not in that moment, but definitely at another time. Our self-awareness helps kids feel safe with us, and that’s when they learn the best.

Our oldest two kids were quite a pair in their preschool years – Daniel was strong-willed, expressive, impulsive, and his little sister, Bethany, was very sensitive and reactive. He’d whack her and she’d scream, I would rush in with all my mama bear angst, grab him and snarl, “This is not okay!!!” This deepened his jealousy and resentment of his sister as he got the message, “You’re the problem,” and the pattern grew more entrenched.

Asking myself the question, “What’s going on in me?” got us unstuck. I prayerfully realized I was dragging baggage from my childhood about nasty older brothers who picked on poor, defenseless little sisters... Oh, the outrage of it all!

God was calling me to drop my decades-old judgments that were hurting my son, and enter with purpose – “I want for my kids the kind of connected, reconciled relationships in life that Jesus bought for them on the cross!” Jim made this same shift as he let go of his childhood judgments about sensitive little sisters who tattled on a big brother…

With that guiding phrase in our hearts, we entered with empathy and wisdom for both kids. “Oh, this is so hard!” (comfort for Bethany, compassion for Daniel, calming for all of us.) Then we could gently guide them to talk it out and reconcile.

As we celebrated their fledgling, messy efforts at conflict resolution and heartfelt reconciliation, we communicated: You are SAFE with me. I will protect you from my baggage!

They also felt LOVED no matter what, CALLED and CAPABLE of resolving conflict, and RESPONSIBLE to make right anything they had made wrong. (More about those three messages in the following days.)

Like David, when we relish God’s love for us and are eager for a better way, it becomes easy and natural to consider that transformational question “What’s going on in me?” and then even, “What do I need from You, Lord, to show up with grace for my struggling kids?”

Reflection:

Read Psalm 139:1-18 and meditate on God’s love for you. Consider what might have been going on in your heart during a tough interaction with one of your children. Then allow God’s grace and truth to transform your heart for your child!

Resources:

For practical help to transform your thinking in tough moments, this blog post – 100 Truth Phrases to Keep You Going also includes links to a podcast and a downloadable PDF.