Correct – “You are RESPONSIBLE for your actions.” - Discipline That Connects

“Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.” (Galatians 6:1, NIV)

The fruits of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22-23 are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. It seems perfect for a beautiful rose-trimmed wall hanging. But they are actually an oasis in the midst of Scripture about sin. And that context teaches us a lot. They are preceded by a thorough list of the “deeds of the flesh.” Then only a few verses later in Galatians 6:1 we read that if someone is caught in a sin, those who live by the Spirit are called to restore that person gently. But Scripture also gives a warning to be watchful so that we may not also be tempted.

The word for restore in that verse is also used for mending a broken bone. It’s a beautiful image of bringing a struggling person back to spiritual and relational health.

The fruit of the Spirit reminds us of our own vulnerability to sin and ignites in us a passion for true restoration.

Tara corrected her child gently, with a goal of restoration, not punishment:

“I allowed my intense 7-year-old to leave his Magna-Tiles project up when we cleaned up toys, but my 3-year-old missed that detail and zealously knocked down his new creation. My son quickly backed her up against the couch, towered over her, yelling at her.

Her face was full of pure fear, and my first impulse was to come in with What are you thinking?! energy, but in a split second I realized I’d be doing to my son what he was doing to my daughter. I took a deep breath and knelt down to comfort my frightened daughter while extending my arm around my son.”

“Wow, you’re really mad that your Magna-Tiles creation got knocked down.”

“Yeah!”

“We had made a deal and that didn’t happen.”

“Yeah!”

“That’s so frustrating!”

“Yeah!”

When I felt his anger melt to sadness I gently prompted, “You’re a really smart builder, do you think you could remember how to put it back together?”

We made a plan, and then I asked him to look at his sister’s face. “What do you think she’s feeling?” His whole face changed as he realized how much he scared her and he apologized immediately.

A few hours later I heard little feet coming down the hall, and a little voice said, “I sorry I cried when you yelled at me.”

I peeked out and saw my son get down to his sister’s level and say, “No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled. You didn’t know I was gonna leave that up. Do you want to go play?” And they walked down the stairs hand in hand.

If I had charged in and shamed him, he would have become defensive. We would have been stuck in his anger about the Magna-Tiles. Because the Spirit prompted me to breathe, empathize, and calmly help him notice the natural impact of his actions, my son was able to see past the Magna-Tiles to the relationship and pursue true reconciliation.”

It doesn’t always happen that way, but that moment has anchored me to the commitment to build wisdom over time and to trust God to work in me and my kiddos.

Tara’s story beautifully illustrates the Connected Families Framework in a tough situation:

FOUNDATION: Tara started with “What’s going on in me?” so she could help her misbehaving child feel SAFE.

CONNECT: Her three statements of empathy communicated, “You are LOVED no matter what.” That kindness led her child toward repentance.

COACH: Engaging her child with problem-solving and thoughtful questions communicated, “You are CALLED and CAPABLE of navigating difficult situations.”

CORRECT: Helping her son notice the natural impact of his actions, without shaming or pressure, communicated “You are RESPONSIBLE for your actions” – to make right what you’ve made wrong. (If there was no reconciliation, Tara might circle back later to facilitate that. Or even put any distracting privileges on hold until things were made right with each other.)

No matter what you’re struggling with as a parent, you can begin to pause before disciplining your kids to receive God’s grace for yourself. And then consider, “What messages do I want to send to my child right now?” Small changes can make a big difference over time!

Reflection:

• When was a time your discipline connected with your child’s heart?
• How did you help your child feel safe and loved?
• How did you help your child feel capable, and responsible for their actions?
• What would be the impact of gradually doing that more often?

Resources:

Get the free e-book, What Kids Need: 4 Messages that Build Identity for more ideas and practical examples to help you.