Connect – “You are LOVED no matter what.” - Discipline That Connects

“See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are!” (1 John 3:1, NLT)

We confidently teach parents that “misbehavior is the golden opportunity for unconditional love!” After all, that’s the heart of the gospel, “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8).

But we do get pushback from some parents who claim, “If I’m kind instead of stern, my child is more likely to misbehave again.” We’ve experienced that more often kindness leads kids to repentance, as in Romans 2:4. And love in misbehavior also strengthens the security that kids need to avoid the ever-quickening treadmill of earning love by performance.

What might it look like to express love in tough times without “letting kids off the hook?”

We got our kids’ grades for the quarter, and for two kids, the grades were quite “shiny.” The other child’s grades were rather “multi-colored.” I was ready to dive into a firm “discussion” with him (aka lecture) about poor effort and not living up to his potential. Jim had another plan to unforgettably communicate the message, “You are LOVED no matter what!” I readily endorsed the new plan.

After school we gathered the kids together. “Hey kids, your grades came today.” (Two eager faces and one child looking at the floor.) “We’re going to have a report card party to celebrate the fact that we love you no matter what your grades are!” (Three eager kids!)

We got out the Nerf blasters and all ran around the house shootin’ and hootin’ and hollerin’! No injuries, tons of fun. Then we finished with popcorn and a favorite dinner.

At the end of the evening we said to Daniel, “We’d like to connect about your grades; would you like to do that now or tomorrow?” “Tomorrow,” he said sadly. The next day we got his grades out, and stated, “These are your grades, not ours; we just want to encourage you.” He went right to the bad grades because he was discouraged. Instead, we stuck to questions about the higher grades, “What did you like about this class?” “What did you do to get that A?” “How might that help you with some of these other grades?” “What kind of grade would you want to get in this class?”

His grades were better that next quarter because he had gotten the messages, “You’re SAFE with us, You’re LOVED no matter what, and You’re CALLED and CAPABLE” (of getting the kind of grades that are important to you.)

But more importantly, over the years, if he’d blown it and felt paralyzed by discouragement, he’d remember, “There’s a popcorn party of grace for me.” That would help him pick up the pieces, try again, and persevere.

Reflection:

How do you pass this kind of unconditional, grace-filled love to your kids? Receive it first! Consider a time when you really blew it in your parenting. Maybe it got pretty ugly. Now picture your Father responding with compassionate grace and lavish love, “See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are!” (1 John 3:1, NLT). As you rest in that for a while, consider how that will help you “love because He first loved you.”

Resources:

See this blog post for practical help empathizing with your struggling child: 20 Beautiful Empathy Statements to Show Kids You Really See Them (also includes a podcast and a PDF).