Coach – “You are CALLED and CAPABLE.” - Discipline That Connects

“Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.” (Psalm 139:14, NLT)

From early on, Lucy wanted to take her rightful place in the family – running it! She was sensitive (needed a soft towel on her car seat to tolerate it) and intense (“It’s not fair!!!” or - “You’re not the boss of me!”) Lucy was passionate and articulate. Conflict with her was like arguing with a ticked off, determined little adult – with quite a capacity for sass.

Her dad, Ted, would calm himself during all this with the simple, anchoring thought: “God made you!” Mornings were particularly tough, and when he had to leave the before-school fray, he prayed for his wife and daughter the whole way to the office. I (Lynne) was invited to her high school graduation party with the joke, “Parent coaching with you might have saved her life.”

In the midst of this difficult time it was messy! But Ted and Jill both sought to communicate vital messages of “You are safe and loved, and you’re called, capable and responsible” to their daughter. Over time, Lucy matured and her parents more clearly saw the upside of her sensitivity and intensity: She was a passionate defender of fairness/justice for underdogs in her class; she resisted all peer pressure to make poor choices; she was a natural leader and was confident and expressive in helpful ways at school (teachers were shocked that home life was so stressful).

In high school, Lucy could still be challenging, but she was passionate about sharing the love of Jesus. She led Bible studies, mentored struggling students, and brought lots of kids to her youth group. She was the valedictorian and spokesperson for her class of over 300, and recorded an incredible, joy-filled, virtual invocation in a 2020 online graduation ceremony. Her goal was that every single student felt encouraged at the end of that Covid isolation year!

The hard things have been reconciled, and her parents are so proud of their compassionate, responsible 22-year-old. Lucy is a great example of what we call “gifts-gone-awry.” The uniquely manifested image of God doesn’t disappear in misbehavior, it’s just expressed immaturely and influenced by the sin that “so easily entangles” all of us. If her parents had branded her as “defiant, disrespectful, and deserving of harsh consequences,” it most likely would have driven her far from their love and the love of Jesus.

But is “gift-gone-awry” a biblically sound way of understanding these kinds of struggles? Surprisingly, Jesus’ parable in Luke 16:8 commended a dishonest manager because he had acted shrewdly. Jesus then taught on the value of trustworthiness.

We also see this perspective in how Jesus dealt with Saul, who was using his scriptural knowledge, leadership, and zeal for murderous purposes. Instead of the punishment he deserved, Saul was called to use those gifts to build the Church he had tried to destroy.

This teaching about “gifts-gone-awry” has encouraged thousands of parents to look at their child with faith-filled eyes of hope, to prayerfully consider how God might develop their child’s misused strengths for His holy purposes over time. This might look like, “I see you have a gift for ___________. How you’re using that gift right now is not very helpful.” And then maybe even, “How could I help you use that gift in an honoring way?”

Reflection:

Consider a time recently that your child was misbehaving. Ask God to show you a gift they might have been using (for selfish purposes.) How might God use that gift for Kingdom purposes over time?

Resources:

For more examples of this intriguing concept of “gifts-gone-awry”: Want to Know Your Child’s Strengths? Find Clues in 12 Common Misbehaviors.